“I keep trying to set boundaries with my husband, but he keeps breaking them, and I feel like there is no point in trying. I know I need to set limits, but whenever I do, I don’t enforce them and I end up feeling more hopeless than ever.” (SOSA, p. 117)
Can you relate to these words, and how does it impact you? You may be working harder than ever to implement new ways of relating to yourself and others, and still feeling like your not heard or taken seriously. I see this more often that I would like with partners of sex addicts. They may be working an honest recovery program, and yet, relationally, have a difficult time with your needs for emotionally safety and feel rejected if you are asking for needs that come across as emotionally distancing to him. Its the dance, your move causes him to step all over you, without giving you the freedom to try another step and experience it without the threat of loosing your ability to stay grounded. One of my couples agreed with sexual abstinence for a period of three months. Hoping it would not confuse other feelings that show up and trigger one other. Such as conflict, and each one, with assigned assignments would put the focus on the unresolved issues.
Feelings show up, we are sensual beings wired for love and connection.....and in one of those moments, its not so difficult to forget about abstinence agreement. Afterwards, and more so, when conflict, hurt, trauma, show up again....being intimate feels more like a violation of self......"why did I allow myself to be so vulnerable."And on and on it can go....
Take a look at the assignment below, taken from "Spouses of Se Addicts, Hope for the Journey,"
Perhaps, you can define a set of parameters that you could call your "Mission Statement,"
A personal mission statement can be a creation of what you will and will not allow in your space. It can also be defined as your “needs list.” I have seen some partners break it down to three components; physical, emotional and spiritual component, such as;
Physically:
· I shall make time to exercise my body and experience the benefits of a strong healthy body and mind.
· I shall only allow healthy people in my space who are safe, and have boundaries for themselves.
Emotionally:
· I shall talk gently and kindly to myself, and not expect any less from anyone else.
· I shall take the time I deserve to make decisions that require any kind of limits and expectations on me.
Spiritually:
· I shall spend time in prayer and seek God’s way for my life.
· I shall remove myself from the presence of evil, and not allow it to penetrate my space.
[1] Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries. Zondervan, 1992.
Can you relate to these words, and how does it impact you? You may be working harder than ever to implement new ways of relating to yourself and others, and still feeling like your not heard or taken seriously. I see this more often that I would like with partners of sex addicts. They may be working an honest recovery program, and yet, relationally, have a difficult time with your needs for emotionally safety and feel rejected if you are asking for needs that come across as emotionally distancing to him. Its the dance, your move causes him to step all over you, without giving you the freedom to try another step and experience it without the threat of loosing your ability to stay grounded. One of my couples agreed with sexual abstinence for a period of three months. Hoping it would not confuse other feelings that show up and trigger one other. Such as conflict, and each one, with assigned assignments would put the focus on the unresolved issues.
Feelings show up, we are sensual beings wired for love and connection.....and in one of those moments, its not so difficult to forget about abstinence agreement. Afterwards, and more so, when conflict, hurt, trauma, show up again....being intimate feels more like a violation of self......"why did I allow myself to be so vulnerable."And on and on it can go....
Take a look at the assignment below, taken from "Spouses of Se Addicts, Hope for the Journey,"
Perhaps, you can define a set of parameters that you could call your "Mission Statement,"
A personal mission statement can be a creation of what you will and will not allow in your space. It can also be defined as your “needs list.” I have seen some partners break it down to three components; physical, emotional and spiritual component, such as;
Physically:
· I shall make time to exercise my body and experience the benefits of a strong healthy body and mind.
· I shall only allow healthy people in my space who are safe, and have boundaries for themselves.
Emotionally:
· I shall talk gently and kindly to myself, and not expect any less from anyone else.
· I shall take the time I deserve to make decisions that require any kind of limits and expectations on me.
Spiritually:
· I shall spend time in prayer and seek God’s way for my life.
· I shall remove myself from the presence of evil, and not allow it to penetrate my space.
[1] Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries. Zondervan, 1992.
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