As a profession, the field of sexual addiction treatment is still relatively new (about 30 years old.) The treatment of spouses/partners of sex addicts is even newer and the information can become outdated very quickly. We are learning more about the impact of sexual addiction on spouses/partners and the implications for treatment. Early pioneers in the field of sexual addiction treatment searched for ways to treat sexual addiction. Understandably, they looked to the 12-step model, which has helped drug addicts and alcoholics manage their addictions for decades. Sexual addiction has been partially managed through 12-step groups, though experts recognize that by itself, 12-step work is limited in its effectiveness.Spouses and family members of alcoholics eventually developed Al-Anon, a 12-step program that would address the needs of spouses. 12-step fellowships for sex addicts eventually developed S-Anon for the spouses/partners of sex addicts. The assumption that the spouse can be treated as though they have their own “disease” has traumatized many who have sought help. Under the 12-step model, spouses/partners are assumed to be addicted to their addict and “sicker than their husbands.” Labels such as “co-addict” and “codependent” are applied with frighteningly little thought and consideration of the impact upon the partner. This has led to what some now call “treatment induced trauma.”
It does not matter that many partners knew nothing of the person’s addiction prior to making a commitment. Nor does it matter that the partner may not have seen recognizable signs of the addiction’s existence. The theory holds that partners develop co-addicted traits and characteristics over time due to the fact that they are in relationships with addicts. In Barbara Steffens research, found repeatedly that partners of sex addicts “described disclosure in word pictures filled with violent imagery, I knew they must be experiencing trauma and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have heard women say that disclosure left them “shell shocked,” “violated,” “totally disoriented,” “emotionally raped,” and it was “like being stabbed repeatedly.” Such destructive descriptions generally accompany traumatic events. Most startling was that 70 percent of the women met the symptomatic criteria for PTSD, in response to the disclosure of sexual addiction. In working with hundreds of spouses/partners of sex addicts through the years, we have seen people wounded beyond what words can describe. Many well intentioned friends, family members, therapists and churches inflict harm on spousesof sex addicts through harmful advice. The levels of trauma in partners of sex ddicts are scary.As a spouse, you are not to blame for the choices of the addict. You are profoundly impacted by them. We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships. The closer the relationship the more potential harm can be inflicted.At the same time, the closer the relationship, the more potential for life-giving intimacy exists.
I invite you to join me in this controversial discussion. I appreciate your feed back. Are you a co-addict, co-dependant, sicker than your husband?
It does not matter that many partners knew nothing of the person’s addiction prior to making a commitment. Nor does it matter that the partner may not have seen recognizable signs of the addiction’s existence. The theory holds that partners develop co-addicted traits and characteristics over time due to the fact that they are in relationships with addicts. In Barbara Steffens research, found repeatedly that partners of sex addicts “described disclosure in word pictures filled with violent imagery, I knew they must be experiencing trauma and even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have heard women say that disclosure left them “shell shocked,” “violated,” “totally disoriented,” “emotionally raped,” and it was “like being stabbed repeatedly.” Such destructive descriptions generally accompany traumatic events. Most startling was that 70 percent of the women met the symptomatic criteria for PTSD, in response to the disclosure of sexual addiction. In working with hundreds of spouses/partners of sex addicts through the years, we have seen people wounded beyond what words can describe. Many well intentioned friends, family members, therapists and churches inflict harm on spousesof sex addicts through harmful advice. The levels of trauma in partners of sex ddicts are scary.As a spouse, you are not to blame for the choices of the addict. You are profoundly impacted by them. We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships. The closer the relationship the more potential harm can be inflicted.At the same time, the closer the relationship, the more potential for life-giving intimacy exists.
I invite you to join me in this controversial discussion. I appreciate your feed back. Are you a co-addict, co-dependant, sicker than your husband?