When either one of the four horseman are on board, where headed towards conflict, which could potentially be disastrous. According to John Gottman they are, stonewalling, defensiveness, criticizing, and contempt. The antidote is engaging to stonewalling, taking ownership, responsibility to defensiveness, complaining, which we all have the right, to criticizing, and a culture of appreciation to contempt.
One of the ways I practice the ability to spot anyone of the four horseman in my office, is to video tape a 10 minute conflict with couples, have them watch it, and look for either one of the horseman in themselves. Its generally very surprising to observe certain behaviors they are not aware in themselves. The lesson taken is to practice awareness and less of the horseman on board. Take a look at the assessment below and video tape yourselves, a good practice.......
10. The Four Horsemen
Read each statement and fill in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE bubble.
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
1. I feel attacked or criticized when we talk about our disagreements.
O
O
2. I usually feel like my personality is being assaulted.
O
O
3. In our disputes, at times, I don’t even feel like my partner likes me very much.
O
O
4. I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so unfair.
O
O
5. I often feel unappreciated by my partner.
O
O
6. My feelings and intentions are often misunderstood.
O
O
7. I don’t feel appreciated for all the good I do in this relationship.
O
O
8. I often just want to leave the scene of the arguments.
O
O
9. I get disgusted by all the negativity between us.
O
O
10. I feel insulted by my partner at times.
O
O
11. I sometimes just clam up and become quiet.
O
O
12. I can get mean and insulting in our disputes.
O
O
13. I feel basically disrespected.
O
O
14. Many of our issues are just not my problem.
O
O
15. The way we talk makes me want to just withdraw from the whole relationship.
O
O
16. I think to myself, “Who needs all this conflict?”
O
O
17. My partner never really changes.
O
O
18. Our problems have made me feel desperate at times.
O
O
19. My partner doesn’t face issues responsibly and maturely.
O
O
20. I try to point out flaws in my partner’s personality that need improvement.
O
O
© 2000–2007 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
13-36
(The Four Horsemen—continued)
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:
TRUE
FALSE
21. I feel explosive and out of control about our issues at times.
O
O
22. My partner uses phrases like “You always” or “You never” when complaining.
O
O
23. I often get the blame for what are really our problems.
O
O
24. I don’t have a lot of respect for my partner’s position on our basic issues.
O
O
25. My partner can be quite selfish and self-centered.
O
O
26. I feel disgusted by some of my partner’s attitudes.
O
O
27. My partner gets far too emotional.
O
O
28. I am just not guilty of many of the things I get accused of.
O
O
29. Small issues often escalate out of proportion.
O
O
30. Arguments seem to come out of nowhere.
O
O
31. My partner’s feelings get hurt too easily.
O
O
32. I often will become silent to cool things down a bit.
O
O
33. My partner has a lot of trouble being rational and logical.
O
O
© 2000–2007 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
One of the ways I practice the ability to spot anyone of the four horseman in my office, is to video tape a 10 minute conflict with couples, have them watch it, and look for either one of the horseman in themselves. Its generally very surprising to observe certain behaviors they are not aware in themselves. The lesson taken is to practice awareness and less of the horseman on board. Take a look at the assessment below and video tape yourselves, a good practice.......
10. The Four Horsemen
Read each statement and fill in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE bubble.
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES
1. I feel attacked or criticized when we talk about our disagreements.
O
O
2. I usually feel like my personality is being assaulted.
O
O
3. In our disputes, at times, I don’t even feel like my partner likes me very much.
O
O
4. I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so unfair.
O
O
5. I often feel unappreciated by my partner.
O
O
6. My feelings and intentions are often misunderstood.
O
O
7. I don’t feel appreciated for all the good I do in this relationship.
O
O
8. I often just want to leave the scene of the arguments.
O
O
9. I get disgusted by all the negativity between us.
O
O
10. I feel insulted by my partner at times.
O
O
11. I sometimes just clam up and become quiet.
O
O
12. I can get mean and insulting in our disputes.
O
O
13. I feel basically disrespected.
O
O
14. Many of our issues are just not my problem.
O
O
15. The way we talk makes me want to just withdraw from the whole relationship.
O
O
16. I think to myself, “Who needs all this conflict?”
O
O
17. My partner never really changes.
O
O
18. Our problems have made me feel desperate at times.
O
O
19. My partner doesn’t face issues responsibly and maturely.
O
O
20. I try to point out flaws in my partner’s personality that need improvement.
O
O
© 2000–2007 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
13-36
(The Four Horsemen—continued)
WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:
TRUE
FALSE
21. I feel explosive and out of control about our issues at times.
O
O
22. My partner uses phrases like “You always” or “You never” when complaining.
O
O
23. I often get the blame for what are really our problems.
O
O
24. I don’t have a lot of respect for my partner’s position on our basic issues.
O
O
25. My partner can be quite selfish and self-centered.
O
O
26. I feel disgusted by some of my partner’s attitudes.
O
O
27. My partner gets far too emotional.
O
O
28. I am just not guilty of many of the things I get accused of.
O
O
29. Small issues often escalate out of proportion.
O
O
30. Arguments seem to come out of nowhere.
O
O
31. My partner’s feelings get hurt too easily.
O
O
32. I often will become silent to cool things down a bit.
O
O
33. My partner has a lot of trouble being rational and logical.
O
O
© 2000–2007 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.
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