SHAMED BASED IDENTI TY
TOXIC SHAME...
I AM THE SHAME
THE MISTAKE
THE FAILURE, THE MESS-UP....................................
HEALTHY SHAME…WE CAN MAKE MISTAKES, IT LETS US KNOW WE HAVE LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES.
WE ARE VULNERABLE
AND SOMETIMES NEED HELP
WE ARE NOT GOD
HEALTHY SHAME GIVES US HUMILITY AND PERMISSION TO BE HUMAN
TOXIX SHAME...
I AM ONLY LOVABLE AND ACCEPTED WHEN………
PERFORMANCE… YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO…I AM WHAT I DO * performance over person
· PERFECTIONISM…IF I BLOW IT , I AM NOT ACCEPTED *stay within the line
· FAILURE PRONE… THINGS NEVER WORK OUT FOR ME *you always do that wrong
· OVERACHIEVING…HAVE I DONE ENOUGH *never give full credit because they will stop trying
· SELF-DOUBT DO I HAVE ANY IMPACT *why comment about what is expected
· EXTREME STANDARDS… NO EFFORT IS GOOD ENOUGH * anything less than the best than you have not tried hard enough
· JUDGMENTAL EMPHASIS ON RIGHT/WRONG… IT SHOULD BE ONLY ONE WAY * I don’t want to listen because its wrong
· LOW SELF-ESTEEM… I AM BASICALLY BAD, UNWORTHY PERSON * its dangerous to give compliments
· DESPERATION FOR APPROVAL… AM I OKAY * they should know that I care because of what I do for them
· CONDITIONAL SUPPORT… SELF WORTH CONTINGENT ON OTHERS. * If you do things right then I will support you
· ABANDONMENT/NEGLECT… FEAR THAT PEOPLE WILL LEAVE ME BECAUSE I AM UNLOVABLE. * I had to take care of myself when I was a kid
· ATTACKING/CRITICAL… SELF CRITICAL, SELF HATING *you are ungrateful and spoiled
· ANTI -CONFLICT…CONFLICT AVOIDANCE, DON’T ROCK THE BOAT * if you can’t say something nice don’t say it at all
· SECRETS, UDISCUSSED ISSUES… FEAR OF DISCOVERY * its in the past so there is no need to talk about it
· CONSTRICTION OF FEELINGS…UNAWARE OF FEELINGS, * don’t wear your feeling on your sleeves
· REFUSSAL TO ADDRESS PAINFUL ISSUES… TOLERANCE OF PAIN, WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET GOING * * you are exaggerating how serious this is
· NEEDS DENIED, CONFLICT ABOUT NEEDS, WHAT FEELS GOOD FELLS BAD * only bad kids touch themselves there
· PERSONAL LIMITS NOT RESPECTED…PERMEABLE BOUNDERIES, I OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION * kids don’t have rights
HEAL THE SHAME TO OVERCOME THE ADDICTION
Excerpts from John Bradshaw