- Boundaries, a book written more than a decade ago, by Henry Cloud, Ph.D., John Townsend, PhD, is a great resource to help you determine the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
The premise of this book is that you cannot control what other people say and do, but you can control how you react and make your own choices. And it explains in simple terms how to go about that. It helps put relationships into a prospective that is healthy and also nurturing. According to the authors, “Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.
Take an inventory of areas where you have violated your own principles and values, and made to feel like the “crazy one.” That you are not! You have been traumatized by your spouse’s sexual acting out, and your behaviors are a result of safety seeking.
“Learning to trust or re-trust your intuition as a partner, is a difficult process. Family rules may have taught you to deny and minimize your feelings. The addict in your life may have led you to second-guess yourself. An addict who is not in recovery is good at getting his/her spouse to deny their own reality. Part of the journey of recovery is learning to trust your own instincts.” (SOSA, p.122).
“Gaslighting” is a term that originated from the 1944 film, Gaslight. A woman in an abusive relationship is made to feel like she is the crazy one, and believes the lies and deceit her husband is filling her with.
“It is a term used to describe how an individual attempts to influence the mental functioning of a second individual by causing the person to doubt the validity of his or her judgments, perceptions, and/or reality in order that the victim will more readily submit his/her will.
List the ways you tend to second-guess yourself in the categories below. Be specific as to how you respond and react to yourself and others.
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Are you able to trust your thoughts and feelings, if you vacillate, how does this show up for you?
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When making decisions, can you be confidant and know you are making wise choices for your self and self care, to the best of your ability; if you can determine this, what is your experience like?
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If you need help with setting boundaries, particularly if you are experiencing "gas lighting" get help, you can find a certified clinical partner specialist, ccpts, at apsats.org
Dorpat,TheodoreL.Gaslighting,thedoublewhammy,interrogation,andothermethodsofcovertcontrolin psychotherapyandpsychoanalysis.J.Aronson,1996.
