The partners have questions to write and vary from; Did you have sex with any one I know? Who are they? How many? What kind of clubs did you go to? Questions she has agonized over
and most certainly an integral part of a disclosure. He answers her questions and need to understand, what has seemed so illusive, and validates her worst fears, her gut feeling that something was not right, the curse.
Coming clean for the addict is the blessing, they too agonize in writing their stories for their partner.....how is this going to help her, she's already been hurt so much. Hurt, does not even cover it......she is devastated, traumatized, and trying to make sense of the "tsunami "that just took her under a 20 foot tidal wave. She is desperately trying to catch her breath.
My work with addicts, while helping them to compose their disclosures has been more of a positive experience. They want to come clean and work a healthy recovery plan.They don't want to hurt their partners anymore, and are willing to do the hard work of writing a lengthy story of their acting out behaviors and take responsibility where they have violated the relationship, as well as providing examples of how they have caused the relational rupture. The "syllabus" has much more to it, and their commitment to compliance is in agreement with making amends.
The story below is a partner story that did not show any signs of blessing, for neither the partner, addict or coupleship. It continues to be a painful process, however, she is in process of moving on with her life, differently, and a stronger sense of self and awareness of her needs and focus are on healing. When the flood gates open,she is not drowning, and doesn't get caught in the vortex. She has the ability to function at her best. This is when sitting on the other side and listening to these remarkable stories, both men women and couples, enlighten me and encourage me to continue to do what I do.
The story and the movie footage focuses on the wife/mother’s experience as she was the hardest hit. Watching it, because her experience and the trauma associated with the tsunami were exactly like mine with sex addiction. The movie begins with a family of 4 on a beautiful island enjoying there Christmas holiday, They notice a few strange things, sounds start up, birds screeching, tree branches swaying, an increasing loud roar. People sitting around the pool think its strange but do not know what it is. Then all at once an enormous black wave breaks over the trees, more and more waves follow, swallowing up everyone and everything. Houses, cars, trees are torn apart and pieces become projectiles shooting through the water piercing the people in it, including the wife. She has no strength to compete, struggles to survive and can only cling to whatever she can find. Eventually the waves subside. She finds a way out but is gashed and bleeding and can hardly move. The cameras pan to view the sight from overhead. The land is unrecognizable, completely barren. What was once paradise is now a ruin. The clean up from the aftermath will take years before any regrowth can occur. The wife at various times presumed dead survives, but she remains in the hospital fighting infections and undergoes 14 surgeries.
The movie is the best description I can use to explain the feelings I had and still have discovering about and trying to survive almost 30 years of sex addiction, Yes, there were signs, but I did not know what they were. December 13, 2010 and following five or six months were the crest of my black wave. Everything was coming down on me and swallowing me whole. I could not escape the projectiles of the betrayals. Each one felt as it tore into my body. The ones that came out of nowhere were the hardest on me. They are the ones that caused the most traumas because they were unexpected. Trying to pull myself out of this suffocation from addiction is hard. I am trying to rebuild my strength. What throws me back into the panic are all the little signs of sex addiction, and that my personal tsunami is starting up again. I will not ignore these signs. I will continue to do self care.......