Check-ins are so vital for a healthy recovery. It promotes safety, trust and hope for the partner. She does not need to be investigator, a position she does not want, and yet her fear speaks to this safety seeking behaviors, checking his phone, internet access, phone bills, receipts, its crazy making! It makes her/him feel as though they are violating their own principles and values. Trust is such an important element in a relationship and in the aftermath of sexual integrity issues, trust has been broken. A check-in is one way to start the rebuilding and process of repairing some trust. The partner does not need to be asking about his/her sobriety, they will be told in their daily check-in. In the hope of moving on, healing, grace, forgiveness are possible. I see it in the lives of these very courageous folks that choose to work it out. I recently saw a statement that read "The best apology is changed behavior"when a parner experiences true heart brokenness and willing to comply with recovery tools, changed behavior occurs , it gives hope. Below is a check-n that has been very helpful for the couples I work with. I suggest a consistent time and everyday the offender does the start-up.
Fanos: An Exercise To Bring Understanding And Change
Feelings
Taking turns, each person states what he is feeling that day. He may need a list of feelings to remind him there are more feelings than being angry.
Affirmation
Have the couple offer one affirmation to each other. It could be as simple as, “Thank you for washing the dishes.” It could be deeper, “Thank you for watching the boys tonight. You are a great father/mother.”
Need
The couple takes turns stating one need. They may discover that they have difficulty knowing what they need. Again, it may be simple or more complex. Remind the couple that just because they state needs, it does not mean the other will meet their need.
Ownership
Spouses take responsibility for some behavior they have done that they feel was not helpful. They should resist any temptation to point out anything their spouse has done that was not helpful. By taking ownership and by giving affirmations, the couple reverses the vicious blame cycle.
Spirituality
Finally, the couple shares whatever Bible reading or spiritual thoughts they have been having that day. Do not make this a sermon, just a short summary.
In biblical Greek, there is a word similar to FANOS (phanos, lantern). The verb form of this word (phaino) means to shine or to be revealed.
Mark Laaser, Ph.D., Chanhassan, Minnesota
Under S, you may substitute Spirituality for Sober, Ive seen it used in this way as well, giving your sobriety date.
Fanos: An Exercise To Bring Understanding And Change
Feelings
Taking turns, each person states what he is feeling that day. He may need a list of feelings to remind him there are more feelings than being angry.
Affirmation
Have the couple offer one affirmation to each other. It could be as simple as, “Thank you for washing the dishes.” It could be deeper, “Thank you for watching the boys tonight. You are a great father/mother.”
Need
The couple takes turns stating one need. They may discover that they have difficulty knowing what they need. Again, it may be simple or more complex. Remind the couple that just because they state needs, it does not mean the other will meet their need.
Ownership
Spouses take responsibility for some behavior they have done that they feel was not helpful. They should resist any temptation to point out anything their spouse has done that was not helpful. By taking ownership and by giving affirmations, the couple reverses the vicious blame cycle.
Spirituality
Finally, the couple shares whatever Bible reading or spiritual thoughts they have been having that day. Do not make this a sermon, just a short summary.
In biblical Greek, there is a word similar to FANOS (phanos, lantern). The verb form of this word (phaino) means to shine or to be revealed.
Mark Laaser, Ph.D., Chanhassan, Minnesota
Under S, you may substitute Spirituality for Sober, Ive seen it used in this way as well, giving your sobriety date.
