, Taken from "Spouses of Sex Addicts; Hope for the Journey, Francoise Mastroianni. The holiday season can be especially difficult to manage your feelings with the extra amount of stress. Take the time you need given the many losses you have experienced
Managing Emotional Needs:
When experiencing trauma, managing your emotional needs can sometimes make you feel like you are in the pit of despair. The trauma takes on a life of its own, and seems to dominate your every thought, action and experience. The moments seem to disappear, and it’s difficult to stay in the here and now, because it all seems so overwhelming. The children’s needs may get neglected, your needs are at the bottom of the list, things don’t get done as you would like them to, and your spouse may not be around to support and help out. The cycle continues to perpetuate the trauma.
When there is a threat to your emotional safety and security you will naturally be overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Slow yourself down and become aware of your breathing. Your brain and body will be better equipped to assess and manage the threat. Take a deep, slow breath, and a nice slow exhale. This creates a calming effect by slowing down the cardio vascular and respiratory system.
Notice the feeling may be that comes up and stay with it as long as you can. Lean into it long enough to break the pattern that keeps you stuck and detached. Notice what it is like to be with the feelings that come up and see if you can be curious about what it might be like to move away from it or towards it in incremental stages.
For some, anger is a scary place to be, because last time they were angry they lost control, and were not aware of anything but their anger. They get “stuck on.” There is no stopping when the roller coaster starts up. It’s like being suspended in mid-air, and the fear up there is that they’re never going to come back down. The crash from the descent plunges them into the shame pit, failure, and depression. A pattern for most that is painful and has caused many losses as well as physical pain.
Beth suffers the disparity and agony of anger outburst, beating herself up emotionally with shame and fear. “It’s my fault, what’s wrong with me, I am not normal, other people don’t react like this.” Beth grew up in a family where yelling/screaming and physically abusing each other was how they related. Beth and I are working towards befriending her anger, not being afraid of it. Noticing when it’s there and leaning into it long enough to acknowledge its presence without being engulfed and swallowed by it. Being in an abusive family, Beth learned early on how to take care of herself. When she screamed at the top of her lungs, she got the attention she wanted, just not in the way it was meant to be. And so the pattern developed into a style that was familiar to her based on her relationships with her primary caregivers. Her fight response to threatening situations is what got her through adolescence and some difficult times as her family went through a divorce. This became the pattern of coping, amongst the drugs and suicidal attempt. The intense activation, with no discharge/release, kept her feeling out of control. After many years of this level of activation, Beth suffered with physical
problems, and partly the result of the inflammation caused from the amount of
cortisol pumping through her body in the constant state of hyper arousal. She now,
after years of therapy, has the capacity and tools to stay in her functional range and
presence of mind to be in the here and now when her nervous system is activated.
It is normal to attempt to protect ourselves, however, without the discharge and holding unto the incomplete response it can be displaced, and in Beth’s case, it led to self-destructive behaviors. When pornography showed up in her marriage, her reactions were not any different to what had been familiar as a child. Beth wanted to learn how to control her responses appropriately and be present with what she was experiencing. She wanted to have the capacity to increase her internal awareness and ability to manage the threat in her system. Beth has become aware of her body sensations and notices the irritations and frustrations as she feels the ride coming on. She is able to take a time out to self-care, breathe, and journal her thoughts as she slows the process down. It’s a healthy way to deactivate some of the negative energy.
Remember that the process of healing is never linear. One moment you will be enraged at the addict’s behavior or lack of it, and another completely shut down.
Take time to attend to your feelings, you deserve to self-care. Stay in the stability of the pleasant place as long as you can stretch it out.
When your experience is out of your functional range, slow down and notice how its impacting your body, mind, and spirit, and see if you can make some meaning for yourself. You are worth the effort/ its your healing, your recovery process.
On December 15
“Last Day to Save! Early Bird registration ends today for APSATS training in L.A.
Feb. 5-8. Join fellow treatment professionals working for better treatment
options for partners. Register today & save $100. http://www.partnertraumaspecialists.org/event-registration/”
“Giving partners a voice! APSATS provides training in the trauma model approach to treating partners of sex addicts. Join us in L.A. Feb. 5-8. Learn more and register online
One Year Anniversary and Two Trainings
Barbara Steffens, PhD, LPCC, CCSAS,
In October, 21 people came to Cincinnati to attend the second training presented by the Association of Partner of Sex Addicts Treatment Specialists (APSATS) to learn about partner trauma and how to help partners and addicts recover from sex addiction-induced trauma. Each of these participants
came with their own unique gifts, skills and experience in the field and in how they respond to partners.
They included therapists, addiction specialists, coaches and those in recovery, which contributed to rich conversations out of their diverse experiences. We spent a great
amount of time alerting participants to the potential harm of treatment strategies or models that do not fit the presenting problem of the client and sought to build awareness and empathy for the partner’s experiences.
I am very grateful for those who took the risk to join us in our 2nd training, knowing APSATS is still developing as an organization - in our presentations and materials. I compared this group to a second child - we were a little more relaxed the second time around! However, we learned we still need to
improve our communication, our processes, and provide more education on interventions. After completing two
trainings, I am aware of our continued
We will always work to fulfill the mission and purposes of APSATS
- to educate and certify partner specialists (whether clinicians or coaches) who
understand and respond to the sex addiction-induced trauma they experience, and
to apply our multidimensional trauma model to the entire system. We start with
how we conceptualize the experiences of the partner as traumatic responses, and
then work to develop processes that enable those who help partners respond in
appropriate and ethical ways to their needs.
We want to make clear who we are not. We are not training people to do deep trauma work through the various trauma interventions; there are many excellent credentialing programs for that purpose.
Our certified graduate will be a partner specialist whose foundational
model is trauma and who can take appropriate trauma treatment modalities and
apply those to the partner and the system.
We promise to clearly communicate our desire to build upon the exceptional work of those who took great risks to even talk about sex as a behavioral addiction and who have provided help and hope to so many through the
years. We are moving beyond some
historical models, but with respect for those who started and built this field of study. Our desire is to build healthy lines of communication with those who may disagree with us to help
bring about understanding. We want to build upon those places where we agree - sharing the same passion for helping those impacted by sex addiction.
We have accomplished much in one year and yes, we still have much to do. I am so grateful for those of you who have partnered with us. We ask that you continue to help us get the message out about the need for specialized
training to help partners of sex addicts. ###
Francoise Mastroianni, lcpc.,ccsas.,cpts